not a lot is new...

Not too much is new... still feeling the same way... a little less than usual... so that is good I guess. all that I can do is just keep going... even though all that I want to do is call it quits at times... I do not think that I would be able to do that!

I had the WEIRDEST phone call ever this week at work!!!!!! So I picked up the phone and the guy on the other end was like "Is Gumby there?" And I was like um.. excuse me? And then the guy just hangs up... I was like um ok... It was funny though and I just had to laugh about!!!

Back to regular things... I am just hanging in their... and just trying to keep on going on... Even though it can be hard... I am trying to surround myself with friends and all... and keep my mind busy from thinking negatively except my counselor is having me journal the accusations which make me have to think of them and then write them down... so yeah... which might not be such a bad thing... who knows.. I had to stop writing them last night b/c I was to much about them and my mind was wrapped up in it. So if you could pray for me that I don't dwell on them and that I am able to just give it to God and not keep dwelling in them! That would be great.. thanks :) Although I am still in this really rough time in my life, I think I can kind of see a little bit of the "light" through the tunnel so to speak... it is very dim.... But that is a good sign... I am realizing that I really am not alone and there are many people going through things that I am going through or have gone through it and they are healed from it... I feel that God wanted me to go through this struggle to help others once I am healed... Actually I can still help them now... with a smile or hug or just being there for them... sometimes that is just what they need and not to really have to talk about their struggles...

I have this verse that is on a sticky note right on my computer at work and I really like it and I am going to share it "Count it all joy, my brothers (and sisters), whenever you face trials of many kinds, for the testing of your faith develops perserverance." James 1:2-3. This actually kind of ties into what I was just writing about... in a way it does but not directly... And I have a quote from Sheila Walsh.. I think from a book but not sure!! It says "The quieter the secret, the stronger the hold it has on us." How very true!! It is sad but true..

I am obviously doing ok at the moment or I don't think I could even being writing a lot about everything... Well, I hope you have a great weekend!!! I shall try to update more frequently... Love to all my beautiful friends!!!

not doing so well today...

Please pray for me. I am not doing well today! I have been so distracted today. And I don't feel like doing that much or anything... I am really tired also.... I got 7.5if not a little more hours of sleep last night. And I am really tired still... Oh well.. Somethings never change! I just don't even want to do anything... I am so I don't know.. blah! That is my mood. I had to come back to this and write more when I had time to do this. I don't why I am so down lately... I can't really shake it either. I don't know whats going on anymore... i have to work all stinkin night too and I really don't feel like it either! Oh well!! I don't even know what to say or anything anymore... i feel as if know one really listens or really cares... they just nod there head and say things like oh yeah I understand what you are going through and stuff like this.... Well, I hate to say it, but no you don't.. not unless you have gone through this will you really understand!! It is really frustrating when you know that they have not felt this way and they say oh I am sorry your feeling this way and I know what you are going through... I know that some people do actually know what I am going through and I know they have gone through something similar. I want to and need to change some of my habits. I am trying to start exercising more and eating healthier which is hard.. but I am trying... I am going to go get started working and stuff.... have a great weekend!!

rambles....

This post is going to be a bunch of rambles... I am just trying to take one step, one day at a time. I keep falling flat on my face it seems. I am not proud of the things that I have done or rather that my state of mind has "made" me do. I am struggling, but I will eventually get better. I just gotta keep my eye focused on God and He will get me through this mess. As hard as that is... I am trying!! The way I look at this is I might be going through this time in my life to help another girl who may even be older then me but to just help them and walk beside them along the way. And to help them the way people have helped me. I have never quit anything and I feel like I want to quit, but I won't and can't let myself do that. I guess I am stubborn in some ways :) Who would have thought?! Although I don't have a lot of people reading this, that is ok and I am fine with it... I like to write my thoughts and feelings out... It is the healthiest way to deal with things... instead of the things I have been doing... A lot of times I am forcing myself to do things to keep myself busy... which in some ways is not a bad thing! Please continue to pray for me. That is if anyone is even reading this.... I have a lot that I am trying to work on right now and it is at times overwhelming.. But I am trying to hang in there... At least I am doing all the right things... seeing a counselor, journaling, talking to people, etc. Well, until the next time I blog.. I hope you all have a wonderful week!!